THE ART OF SPLITTING THE CHECK

When you get to a certain age, going out to eat with a group of friends becomes the norm. From celebrating someone’s birthday to just a much needed get together, sharing a meal with close friends is how most people interact. I am extremely fond of group dinners and birthday brunches because I love how intimate it is to sit at a table and enjoy good food, great wine, and riveting conversation. The only problem with these types of occasions comes when the group is presented the bill. Nowadays, especially in New York, restaurants are so busy that they don’t have time to give everyone a personalized check, detailing everything they ordered individually. Instead, they drop off one check for a party of four, six, and even twelve, leaving the members of the table to hone into their special math skills to divide the bill accordingly.

This has been a huge topic of conversation between my friends and me, so I decided I would write a post about the art and etiquette of splitting the check when dining out with friends.

First things first, it is very rare that when you go out to dinner with a large group that you will be paying for what you ordered. The bill is usually split evenly by the amount of people sitting at the table. And while some may argue this is unfair and unjust, it is (in my opinion) the easiest and most efficient way to collectively pay. You don’t want to be that asshole who takes out their calculator and starts adding everyone’s total. You will be hated by everyone.

Now, some of you are thinking, “But what if I just ordered a $10 salad and drank water all night. Do you expect me to split the tab evenly, having to pay upwards of $40 when all is said and done?”

Yes. I do.

By agreeing to attend a group brunch or RSVP-ing “Yes” to a birthday dinner, you are signing an unwritten contract that you agree to split the check evenly upon departure. You are telling yourself that you will be spending at least $50 on this meal, so you better make it count. Now that you know this information going into the event, you can order accordingly.

When perusing the menu, skip over the small plates and the side salads section and go straight to the entrees. Take a brief survey of the table and get a feel for what others are looking at. If everyone at the table is going to order the Prime Rib, you might as well follow suit. You’re going to pay for it, anyways. Might as well enjoy what you’re spending.

The main rule is to keep your entrée price in the vicinity of what everyone else is ordering, allotting a $5 difference, either up or down. Don’t be that asshole who orders the lobster and steak combo totaling up to $45 when everyone else at the table is getting cheeseburgers and pasta. We know what you are doing and we don’t like it. Just how we are not going to order a side of fries and complain when the check comes, don’t order extravagantly and act like it’s fair.

Secondly, most meals will be accompanied by some sort of alcohol. Everyone will have a glass of wine with dinner and mimosas are usually all consumed when at a brunch. So, even though I don’t normally succumb to peer pressure, I would advise you to partake in some drinking.

My one loop hole to this entire discussion is if you cannot or do not drink alcohol. If everyone at the table is having more than 2 drinks each, then no, I do not think it is fair for you to have to split the bill evenly. In this off-chance, I would instruct you to bring some cash. When the check comes, take a look at what you had, quickly add it up (accounting for tax and tip) and throw down the appropriate amount. Now you paid your way and everyone else can equally divide the remainder of the bill. Everyone's happy. And drunk.

The same goes for those of you that attend birthday dinners but don’t eat anything. I never understood you people, but you are out there, so we must make a rule for you as well. Bring cash with you and throw down the amount of your drinks.

Going out to eat with friends can be such a fun and great experience, so don’t make it awkward or uncomfortable when the check comes. If you honestly do not want to pay $50 for a meal you know you won’t enjoy, then don’t go to the outing. Stay home, enjoy a Hot Pocket, and meet everyone else out later. This is your money. You all work hard for it and you should spend it how you see fit.

But just be advised that by walking in those doors and sitting down at that table, you are letting everyone know that you agree to throwing down your credit card and smiling when the waiter confirms, “Split it?”